Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
