You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
