I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
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I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
All I want is dick and wine.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize