You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
