I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
