my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
