Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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