I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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