Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
