I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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