You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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