____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
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YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
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And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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