so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
