Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
