I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
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I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She's the barista slut.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
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I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich