I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
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Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
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Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it