God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
where are you?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.