i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.