Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
