but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
