I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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