I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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