just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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