According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
