My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
