She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
