This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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