I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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