if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
