you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
