Who wears a wallet chain?!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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