worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
