just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
