I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
