Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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