I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The beer is more important than you right now.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
