Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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