Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
