if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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