I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
