Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
