It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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