The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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