I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
