she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
