even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
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Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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