I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
