I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Randomize
