3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
