I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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