Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
