obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
