after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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