Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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