just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
