I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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