five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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